The Book of Stats

There is an earnest Whiffler named Stats.  The game was good to him, restoring his sanity each Sabbath.  He was good to the game, bringing statistical order to the subjective chaos of the early years.  He loved teams that are bad, historically bad even, and despised the great teams for their arrogance.  Ever concerned that his fellow whifflers may have “cursed the Whiffle Gods in their hearts” he habitually carried a clip board and sharpened pencils as a pardon for their sins.

The Whiffle Gods gathered the Commissioner and the other “Sons of Kothar” (literal translation: the “adversaries,” or the “visitors”) and asked them what they thought of Stats.  “His faith in the game is constructed upon numbers,” one said, “as his numbers go down, so will his love of the game.”  “He understands not the true spirit of Whiffle,” said another.  “He is susceptible to the tailing outside curveball,” said a third.  The Whiffle Gods heard these words and allowed the Sons of Kothar to test Stats.

As the first batter to face Stats, the one called “Bush” struck a double and the test was on.  It would be short-lived, though as the one called “Cebulash” (literal translation: “Onion”) grounded weakly into a double play.  The Commissioner followed with a strikeout.  The next time Stats pitched would also begin with a hit, but then followed a string of three outs.  The Sons of Kothar thereupon asked the Gods if they may test Stats while he held the bat, rather than the ball.  This wish was granted.

With the home team, the Team of Stats, holding a slim 2-1 lead through the middle innings, the torture began:
Stats came to the plate in the 3rd - bases loaded, two out and was struck out by the Commissioner.
Two on two out in the fourth - flew out by the one called Cebulash.
Two on, two out in the fifth and in desperation stats wrent his clothes and batted lefty - only to ground out to the one called Bush.
Runner at second two out in the seventh - struck out by the Commissioner.  
Two on, two out in the eighth - struck out by the one called Cebulash
In all, he strandeth 10 runners.

The Sons of Kothar were most pleased with themselves, and they shamelessly called for another inning so that they might face Tim Baker, who made his long awaited return to the pitch, and whom they were pridefully sure they could hit.  The one called Bush did double in a run, and then another scored on a disputed double play attempt off the bat of the one called Cebulash.  Disputed or no, the Sons of Kothar, the visitors, led 3-2 entering the last of the ninth.

The Whiffle Gods saw that the Visitors took too much boastful joy in their ill-gotten lead, and the tortures of Stats, and sent a whirlwind to cloud their minds and eyes.  For in the bottom of the ninth, the visitors sent the one called “Ben” to the mound to pitch.  Ben had also pitched the second inning when the Team of Stats, the home team, scored two on a bases loaded double by the one called “Zamonski” (literal translation: “doubles machine”).  Ben also pitched the sixth, escaping a bases loaded jam by getting a one-out fly ball from Stats and a ground out from Baker.  Since Ben had pitched the second and the sixth, it was clearly not his turn to pitch the ninth; it was the turn of the one called Bush who had not allowed a run all day.  The home team, knowing of the mistake by a simple check of the scoresheet, chose not to inform the Sons of Kothar of their error.

Tim Baker’s lead off strike out was followed by singles by the ones called Zamonski, Hansoo and Mosser, bringing Stats to the plate.  A couple of inside pitches were followed by a breaker that found the middle of the strike zone.  The next pitch brought out Stats’ first swing - a foul tip for strike two.  The final pitch was brought to the bat by the Whiffle Gods, and was blooped over the head of the one named Ben, finding asphalt in front of the outfielders which the Gods had positioned too deep.  A 2-RBI double, walk-off style to end the contest - and the tortures.

	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	R	H	LOB
Dave B, Glen, Pete, Ben	0	0	1	0	0	0	0	0	2	3	13	9
Hansoo, Kurt, Matt, Tim, Eric	0	2	0	0	0	0	0	0	2	4	23	19

W: Tim Baker
L: Ben Montague
BS: Tim Baker, Ben Montague

	AB	H	BI		AB	H	BI
Dave B	10	3	1	Hansoo	10	8	0
Glen	10	3	1	Kurt	10	6	0
Peter	10	3	1	Matt	10	2	2
Ben	9	4	0	Tim	9	2	0
				Eric	9	5	2

Notes:

• Peter had two home run distance fly balls and a third that would have been a triple caught for outs .  Glen had no homers either and the home run race remains knotted at five.
• Even though Kurt was not on their team, the Visitors did mange to pitch out of order.  As told in the story above, the Home side was fully aware of the mistake before a pitch had been thrown, but decided to keep silent.
• Ben’s fine day at the plate was overshadowed by the four runs he allowed in his 2 and a third innings pitched.
• 8-for-10 batting brought Hansoo above the 0.400 mark, but still well behind Kurt’s league leading 0.461.  Kurt leads in hits (120), tied for the lead in doubles (18) and is third in slugging.
• There is also a tight race for pitching strikeouts.  Kurt has 125, one ahead of of Peter’s 124.  Matt is well behind, but did record his 100th K today.