Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The History of W(h)iffle Ball

While the exact origins of W(h)iffle ball are unknown, most historians agree that it is based on the Aztec pastime qixtaxijhal, a game which came north with itinerant fruit pickers in the early 19th century.   Originally played with the hollowed out head of a sacrificial child and the femur of a mountain goat, by the time the game reached the U.S. a dried orange and balsa wood bat had been substituted.  Throughout the early decades of the 19th century, small towns formed teams, and what came to be known as W(h)iffle Ball clubs sprang up in the larger cities.  In 1845, Linus Steptoe, a rakish mountebank and sometime-salesman of unguents and gluten-based analgesics, wanted to formalize a list of rules by which all the teams could play.  Much of the original code is still in place today, though certain modifications have since occurred.

The first recorded W(h)iffle Ball contest took place a year later in 1846.  Steptoe and his Swat-King club of New York City lost to The Hackensack Highlanders in a game at the Eden Fairgrounds in Bayonne, New Jersey.  In 1857, a convention of W(h)ifflers, as they were now known, met to discuss rules  and the formation of a league.  Twenty-Five teams from the Northeast and Midwest sent delegates.  The following year they formed the Midwestlantic  Association of W(h)iffle Ball Clubs.  In its first year of operation, the league supported itself by charging either two cents, or an egg, for admission to games.  The future looked bright. 

Although the league was supposed to be comprised of amateurs, many players were secretly paid, in either eggs, or a sorghum flavored chew, which was said to promote gastro-intestinal health.  In 1869, the Dayton Recliners (so-called for their tendency to sit on stools or large stones set next to the batters box) became the first professional team.  The idea of paid players quickly caught on and before long professional teams dotted the map.   The country, prosperous and peaceful throughout the remainder of the century, quickly embraced the league and a deep and abiding love affair thus began.   By 1899, there were literally thousands of teams, some seeming to spring up overnight, like mushrooms or mold. 

Professional W(h)iffle Ball was built on the foundation of the amateur leagues that preceded it.  Interest in the game as a spectator sport had been nourished for more than a quarter of a century.  It’s great attraction to the public was two-fold.  It required no discernable skill or thought and it promoted the sedentary lifestyle popular with the working classes of the day.   

Throughout the first decade of the 20th Century, W(h)iffle Ball remained a game of strategy.  The so-called “dead-orange” provided few homeruns.  The game relied on contact pitching and horrible fielding for its offense.  The adoption of Edison’s celluloid ball and bat in 1911 changed the game dramatically.   The popularity of W(h)iffle Ball exploded, but tensions did as well.  Rival leagues formed and folded and the practice of luring players from one league to another with increased egg and sorghum allocations reached crisis proportions.  Eventually, the supreme court stepped in to rule that the game was exempt from anti-trust legislation and the age of the W(h)iffle Barons commenced. 

The Roaring Twenties were the best and worst of times for the game.  Scandals rocked the league and gambling was ubiquitous, but the stands remained largely filled and the coffers overflowed.  In 1921, the young W(h)iffle phenom, George Herman “Babe” Ruth, left the league to play a new game called “Baseball”.  Ruth had astounded the fans with his eight foot curve-balls and his rabbit like defense.  His called shot of 1918 sated a nation, war-weary and starved for leisure.  His departure was an ill omen for the national pastime. 

More and more players left the league in the 30’s and 40’s for the relatively safe pleasures of “baseball”,  “shuffle-board” or “jacks”.  By the 1960s the game was largely forgotten and throughout the remainder of the century was played mostly behind old warehouses by meth addicts and hoboes. 

In 2006, behind the leadership of three wily tribesmen: Ben “Feh” Montague, Brian “Zaydie” Simpson and Glen “The Macabee” Cebulash,  a small upstart was league was formed on the hallowed asphalt of Smith School Playgrounds. Unbeknownst to the  three intrepid “menschen”, the elementary school had been built upon the very ground where once the mighty Recliners had sat.   In 2008, the philosopher barrier was broken when the Kantian Kurt Mosser categorically joined the league and the Republican barrier was dismantled the following year with the inclusion of Dave Eldridge.   

2010 finds the game enjoying a renaissance of sorts.  Dozens of people pass by the field on any given Saturday, bewildered and amused at the sight of grown men playing this enigmatic game that exists only in the mist of their memory.  At parties, the faces of middle-aged men light up when they hear that a league has formed and inquire incessantly about forming their own.  Is the storied game once again about to take hold of the public imagination?  Who can say.  Only time will tell, but for now we are all buoyed by the immortal words of current commissioner, Peter Berwald:  “This W(h)iffle Ball game is the finest W(h)iffle Ball game there is, at this time, today”.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Game of April 25, 2010

As with the other game, Sunday Whiffle is a practice fraught with a controversial history.  The decision to play on Sunday lies heavy on the head of the Commish, as the available players are greatly diminished.  Saturday's wash out left him no choice, since having no game at all is unacceptable to "the League."

But as it was a Sunday game, the player numbers were considerably down.  After 4 straight weeks with 10 (yes, ten!) players, the Commish, the Artist, and Stats were the complete company this morning.  To put on any kind of a show, we would need to play multiple parts. "We must play 1 on 1 on 1," spoke our leader. 

The Commish explained the special rules for 1-1-1 Whiffle:
1.  Pitchers need only record 2 outs before sides are changed.
2.  Players not pitching or batting shall play outfield.
3.  Outfielders must try.

The Artist devised a complicated system to make sure all batters faced all pitchers the same number of times, and we were off to the races.

Now, this 1-1-1 Whiffle game seems to be set up as the Arena Football of whiffle - fast pace, high scoring, pyrotechnics and cheerleaders, right?  Well, the Commish's latest effort to crank up the offense once again fell a little short, as only six runs were plated:

This is truly becoming a pitchers' league.  Of note amongst the scoring is the addition of Glen Cebulash to this season's roster of home run hitters: a solo shot off the Commish to lead off the second.  All of the other runs were charged to The Artist, whilst he LOWERED his ERA to 16.50.  All players today raised their slugging percentages, and only one saw his ERA rise.  Stats took the league lead in RBI; the Commish now leads the league in K's (as a pitcher).

The late innings appearance of Laura Hume provided the players a permanent scorer and pleasant, if distracting, conversation.  Departing the pitch all agreed that more (players) is better.  See you Saturday?

W(h)iffle Ball Minus One

Many of you fans are no doubt familiar with the the series "Music Minus
One" in which recorded music (pop, jazz, classical) is tracked without
one of the accompanying instruments. Thus allowing the aspiring
drummer, guitarist, cellist, etc. to play along with the recording as if
they themselves were the missing musician. It's not just amazing and
fun, but it's educational too! Now, I bet you're asking yourselves,
"hey Glen, what does this have to do with W(h)iffle Ball"? Good
question Mr. and Mrs. Fan. Prepare to be blown away by the answer!
Here at the Commissioner's office we get a lot of questions about
statistics, rules, weekly highlights, etc. And often, a fan will
inquire into a player's whereabouts, as in, "where's that wily Eric
Zamonski these days"? Or, "Boy, I haven't seen Chris Anderson in a dog's
life". One of the most repeated questions, week after week, month after
month, is "What's up with that Dave Bush"? Well fans, ask no more. You
probably thought Dave was wiling away the hours over at Starbucks
trading derivatives and orchestrating stock swaps, or something like
that. And you, like us, would have been wrong. Dave has been secretly
developing a brand new product, just about to hit the market, called
"W(h)iffle Ball Minus One". It's based on the Music series, but
instead of erasing a single instrumental track, it eliminates an entire
W(h)iffle Ball player. It turns out that Dave hasn't really missed the
last 75 games. He's just been test marketing the new product.
Congratulations, Dave. It works! And I know I speak for the entire
league when I say "job well done".

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Game of April 17, 2010

The absence of the Artist was felt by all this week. You see, Glen brings not only a resilient positive attitude and a tremendous NY/NJ accent: Glen usually draws the lines on the pavement. This week the Commish himself drew the lines.

As you may know recent “off the field” (but still on the pavement) scandals have brought the Whiffle and Ale League undesired press coverage. The Commish, looking to distract the fans from these matters, decided to crank up the offense. Mr. Commish made the friendly confines of Nance Bradds Park even friendlier by pulling in the doubles line by approximately 4 to 5 feet.

The game commenced with no notice of the forgiving arrangement. The first realization came from Stats Lindsay’s RBI double in the first off Baker. It was at this point that Ben revealed that he is a keen study of our league stats (NOW UPDATED THROUGH 4/17/10). You see, Ben knew (by poring through the data) that Stats had NEVER before struck an extra base hit, and that this moment just “felt wrong.” Indeed, all agreed that had the field been a Cebulash original – Stat’s hit would have been a single.

Alas, the Commish’s juicing of the field did not result in too great an offensive explosion:
HOME (Brent, Hans, Kim, Stats, Commish) 6
VISITOR (Tim, Laura, Dave (R-OH), Ben, Eric) 2

The Visiting runs were courtesy of a 2 run, opposite field blast by Tim “Home Run” Baker – who has hit or pitched both round trippers hit this season.

TWIW Notes:

New guy: a hearty welcome to Seokhyun (“call me Kim”) Kim – a 2 for 6, 3 RBI debut!

Inside the Stats: In a Goliath v. Goliath match up we had top batter “Home Run” Baker in the box against leading Cy Young candidate Hans Ha. Tim was 1 for 2 (a single) against Hans today, and is 1 for 3 for the season against the fireballer.

Game of April 10, 2010

Yesterday afternoon, as I relaxed on my porch, salving the day's physical wounds with the necessary lotions and unguents, and the spiritual wounds with the balm of my choice, "Stats" Lindsay's lovely wife Karen happened by my home and legal domicile. After exchanging a ...few neighborly pleasantries she uttered the following words which have now permanently burned themselves into the very depths of my being: "I heard you got shellacked!"

Well, Karen, let me just say this: I'll take on you, and all the wiffle widows combined, ANY TIME, ANY PLACE!!! It's one thing to wait patiently by the phone to hear about your "man's" latest exploits on the asphalt and another thing entirely to step into the arena and put the plastic where it counts. Like the great Bobby Riggs before me, I throw down the following challenge: bring it on!

Shellacked indeed!