Mid-Season Report

Saturday, May 30 will go down as one of the most beautiful days ever at Elysium Fields and was evidence, no doubt, why the park is called that in the first place.  Our local heroes, Pete, Glen, Hans and Brent, steeled by Betty Davis' immortal words: "Wiffle Ball ain't no place for sissies",  suited up and took to the field.  In no time at all, our boys, behind a ferocious triple by Cebulash, took a 2-0 lead.  It was nothing but blue skies for two more innings when that nasty game of Russian Roulette, also known as the pitching rotation, landed on a loaded chamber called Brent.  Six RBIs later and the game was effectively over.  Republican Dave made an outstanding defensive play in deep center left to rob Commissioner Berwald of a monster home run.   Republican Dave, who's taken to signing autographs with a simple "W", remains the dominant player in the league, much to everyone's chagrin, even his teammates.  When will this madness stop?  No man can say. 

This week's Profile in Wiffle Courage has been postponed to make room for the leagues mid-season report:

Mid-Season Report

“You know a lot about cups, but you know nothing about balls and, as any decent magician will tell you, cups without balls don’t mean shit.”

                                                                                  -Albert Brooks

As the game heads into the mid-season patterns are beginning to emerge, stats are piling up and surprises abound.  Herewith then, a brief report on the state of the game:

Peter Berwald- Pete continues to be a powerhouse in all the non-standard categories: hitting, fielding and pitching.  He occupies the office of Commissioner with panache, wit and a steely determination to set the game aright for future generations.  His leadership initiatives include league cards, extra lawn chairs and a super chalky strike zone.  Missing are mini tubs of chicklet-style gum.  An all too avoidable blemish on an otherwise impressive administration.  

Brent Mackintosh- Brent continues to be a powerhouse in all the standard categories: sitting, Christian Democracy and Naomi Klein.  He occupies his lawn chair with both style and substance.   RBI statistics league wide depend on Brent’s continued generosity on the mound, so please, no practicing. 

Kurt Mosser-   Instant coffee, shoe shines and deep bowel pain.  What do all these things have in common?  They’re as reliable as the categorical imperative that is Kurt’s bat.   No single player works harder to boost team morale and l’esprit de corp than Kurt.  His uplifting words are often the only beacon for players lost in the fog of Wiff.

Tim Baker- Tim spent the first half of the season working out the kinks in his pitching.  He’s experimented with a number of different styles; all as pretty as his swing, but none that appear to actually work.  Keep at it, Boog and let’s hope that new job doesn’t get in the way of your priorities. 

Han Soo-   Hans continues to defy Wiffle Ball’s most sacred rule: never injure yourself playing the game.  Injuries imply exertion and they make the rest of the players look bad.    There’s only one way to insure that you don’t hurt yourself in the field: don’t move.  Perhaps Hans should consider studying a bit more closely at the concrete feet of Dr. Mosser.

Dave Eldridge- Dave continues to be the most Republican player in the league and it’s a quality that has served him well.  While the other guys stand around; taxing, spending  and dreaming about an ever bigger “nanny-league”, Dave quietly sets about the business of dominating in all the non-standard categories.  Is there a “sophomore of the year award”?  Let’s hope not or this guy’s head won’t fit through the door at this year’s Wiffies.

Ben Montague- Your batting may say, “no”, but Ben’s pitching says, “yes”.  With the mound officially pushed back this year Ben’s had a hard time kissing the brick, as the saying goes.  Fortunately for him, his bat is stiff and fierce and his hitting has been pretty good too!  Ben’s off to the Maine league in a few weeks and we all know what that means: lower RBI totals. 

Brian Simpson and Dave Bush- During the Vietnam War, Dick Cheney had “other priorities” and perhaps, like our erstwhile Vice President, Brian and Dave have more important things to do with their Saturday mornings!  Are there more important things?  You be the judge, Fans, but facts is facts:  Brian and Dave’s Rookie cards are trading for pocket change these days.  Looks like we’ve got some competition for the newest Wiffie category: * 

Glen Cebulash- Sports reporting longa, Wiffle Ball brevis.

Chris Anderson and Eric Zamonski-  Too early to tell much about these newbies.  Anderson looked like he’d closed the door on “Rookie of the Year”, but with his unexplained absence on the 30^th of May and Zamonski’s pyrotechnics on the mound that honor is now up for grabs.  It’s a distinction that comes only once, so sac up, boys and may the best wiffler win!

So there it is Fans.  We’ll see you next week with a new Wiffle Profile in Courage.  Keep those bats tumescent and we’ll see you on the asphalt.